Day 14: Why Doesn’t Self Help Work for Me?

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the reason I react with frustration and confusion when I read self improvement techniques and methods and just can’t seem to experience a change in myself, is that the methods are open to interpretation, the methods are ambiguous — whereas, my mind as my thoughts, my feelings, my emotions, my reactions, my fears, my anxieties, my self judgments, my comparisons – my inner experience – is specific – it is specifically constructed with words as definitions as the basis of all my beliefs and ideas which form the basis of my experiences of feelings, emotions, reactions, anxieties — and if the method I am trying to apply, merely suggests to create more beliefs and ideas, and focus on thoughts and imagination, that I am not actually getting to the specific causes of my experiences and patterns that are limiting me — I am not getting to a point of specific clarity and understanding within which I can then direct my inner experiences and change myself in exact specificity in ways I understand will support me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the belief that my mind is mysterious and not able to be understood, instead of realizing that my mind is based on specific words as definitions, which indicates that all I need is an effective method to uncover and see my definitions so that I can work with my mind at a practical level in specificity
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that the reason meditation doesn’t work for me and why I continually slip back into my habits, addictions, patterns, is because I am trying to control / stop my existing patterns by focusing on an experience / feeling / thought — which is just me creating another layer within my mind and trying to suppress / block out the existing layers which I have not actually investigated in specificity to see how my patterns / experiences are constructed so that I can change myself within actually directly seeing what I’ve allowed within myself
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that if we as humanity had actually been able to change ourselves through meditation / existing self help methods / religion / spirituality / psychology, that we would have stopped ourselves existing in ways that harm each other and we would have created a new world system that supports life — and since the world actually just continues to get worse, that indicates we have not changed and that we are just creating more experiences within ourselves to occupy ourselves with, not actually understanding how to change ourselves for real — just chaining ourselves even more to our minds through becoming addicted to feelings like love, peace, bliss, positivity that enable us to feel better about ourselves while we continue to allow a world of abuse
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that changing myself starts with self honesty – as the uncovering, seeing, realizing, understanding of what I have accepted and allowed in myself, who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist as – and then self forgiveness as the statement that I no longer accept and allow what I have in the past – where the self forgiveness is written, spoken in specificity of directly seeing what I allowed in myself as the director of me, wherein within the self forgiveness I give myself back to myself here, new, in the moment as breath, becoming the directive principle of myself – wherein I then decide who I will be from this moment on
I commit myself to stop accepting and allowing vague, ambiguous methods of self improvement that leave a door open for interpretation / imagination / beliefs, in realizing that the mind is specifically constructed and so must be specifically deconstructed – point by point
I commit myself to investigate the words as definitions that I have accepted as myself, which have become the basis of all my current patterns, so that I can start to stand equal and one with my own mind in understanding and seeing how I have created myself / designed myself
I commit myself to no longer accepting and allowing a world in which people use imagination and beliefs to make themselves feel something and then call that change, because in this I am allowing everyone to apply this same interpretation through beliefs and feelings to the current problems of the world – wherein, specificity is not applied in self honestly getting to the bottom of what we have allowed as our relationships with each other / patterns which have created this world as it is
I commit myself to understanding the specificity of what must be changed in order for this world to become a place that supports life.
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