Day 44: Deconstructing my Astral Projection Experience

Thus far I’ve walked through my experiences with seeing a UFO, experiencing myself having a ‘spiritual awakening’, aligning my lifestyle with a ‘zen environment’, and ‘communicating’ with ‘motherships’ in meditation / prayer.
At this stage I was quite solidified in my perception that there existed a ‘non physical’ reality, which within my mind I saw as something resembling how one experiences oneself in a dream, where everything is somewhat unstable and easily moldable and able to be manipulated to suit what one wants to experience.
Here I’m having a look at my experience with Astral Projection, or rather my experience with being frustrated that I was not able to ‘astral project’.
Within the course of my study of spiritual websites, I learned about the practice of Astral Projection, wherein one usually would lie down and relax one’s whole body gradually, and in breathing and going deeper and deeper into the relaxation state, one will eventually experience intense vibrations which indicate one is now able to separate from / leave one’s physical body, and enter the ‘astral planes’ using one’s ‘astral body’ – which is like an ‘etheric’ / ‘dreamlike’ non-physical body that resides within the physical body, and that one’s ‘astral body’ would be connected to one’s physical body with an energetic ‘cord’.
The way people described Astral Projection was an experience of entering a non physical ‘version’ of earth, residing in a ‘higher vibration’, but at the same time still being here on earth, within which one could fly around and instantly appear at a location simply by thinking it, and that one could meet up with other astral travelers within the astral planes, and could also explore the universe / other galaxies / planets within the ‘astral planes’.
When I read about these experiences I immediately imagined myself leaving my body to go fly around, free from the restrictions of gravity, exploring the world and the universe, and was excited to try this myself.
The first few times I tried to ‘astral project’, I got as far as the ‘deep relaxation’ stage, where I would lay down in my bed, and focus on breathing and relaxing every part of my body, starting with my feet, going up to my head. I would finally get to a stage where I would kind of ‘wake up’ as if I’d just been asleep, and my body felt like it was still asleep but I was awake in my body. In this state of relaxation I would then focus on deeper and deeper relaxation, awaiting the ‘vibration’ stage and anticipating excitedly the moment where I would leave my body. However, no matter how many times I tried, I couldn’t leave my body, there was no indication whatsoever that it was possible to leave my body, as no matter how relaxed I got, I still felt my body and could not feel any ‘astral body’.
After repeated failures with astral projection, I became very frustrated with it and could not understand why all those other people were able to do it, but not me.
I started to think that maybe there’s something wrong with the way I’m doing it and maybe I just have to find the right method, and maybe I’m just trapped in my body and I’ll never be able to astral project. When I thought of being trapped in my body and never entering the astral planes and being able to fly around and have fun without the limitations of gravity, I would get depressed and wonder why it is that I have to be the one that can’t leave my body while everyone else doing the same spiritual practices as me gets to leave their body and have fun in the astral planes.
I finally gave up on astral projection, but in spite of this failure, I kept looking for other ways to experience myself free from the limitations of gravity, free from the limitations of the physical reality I was in. 
I also started thinking that the reason I couldn’t astral project was because it wasn’t ‘time yet’ for me, and that if just kept raising my vibration, that it would happen ‘naturally’ at some point later.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason the idea of astral projection excited me so much was because I had decided that ‘the physical reality is limited’, a place where I am ‘trapped’ in an experience of limitation, and that since I believed that the reason for my existence is to ‘experience freedom’, I believed there must be some way ‘out’ of this limitation, this trapped experience, and so when I read about astral projection I was filled with excitement and hope that I would finally be able to leave the physical reality and experience myself in a more ‘fun’ reality where I could fly around
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I also had dreams where I was flying, and experienced this as extremely fun and had a desire to be able to fly — and that the reason I wanted to fly so much was because I had actually defined ‘freedom’ as an experience of flying, an experience of ‘being free’ from gravity, ‘being free’ from the physical reality I was in
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I reacted in frustration when I couldn’t astral project, blame my body, blame the physical reality of earth, blame existence, blame the world for ‘causing me’ to experience myself as being trapped in limitation — instead of realizing that, I had designed my emotional experience of ‘feeling limited’ as the reaction I experienced towards my physical body / the physical reality, starting from when I had reacted to experiences of failure, rejection, difficulty within my life in relation to making money, fitting in, doing well in school, finding something to do with my life – experiences within which I felt limited / restricted in my ability to express myself because I didn’t have the skills and money to simply do what I want, and since I didn’t understand or see how to change my condition or change the world I reacted in an experience of powerlessness / helplessness / feeling constricted, and I connected this feeling of powerlessness / helplessness / constriction to the physical world around me and my physical body – because, when I was in my physical body I was faced with the physical world around me in which I was forced to follow rules / laws / requirements, and learn skills I didn’t want to learn in order to be able to make money to do what I want — so I began to define / see / experience the entire physical reality and my physical body as being an ‘unfair limitation’ placed on me, and thus when I discovered spirituality and ascension material I immediately liked it and associated myself with the process of ascension, because within spirituality / ascension was the promise of escaping the physical reality into a fun reality where I could fly around and do what I want all the time — wherein, I defined ‘freedom’ as ‘the freedom to fly around and do what I want without having to deal with anything of / within this physical reality / world’
Thus, I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and see that the reason I was frustrated when I couldn’t astral project, was actually because I had designed my own desire to experience my definition of ‘freedom’ as ‘flying around, free from the physical reality’, and when I couldn’t do this, I blamed the physical, blamed my body for keeping me ‘trapped’ in an experience of limitation
Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that, within my experiences of difficulty, frustration, failure within making money, fitting in, being able to do what I want to do with my life, I only ever considered ‘my experience’ of ‘what I want’ — I never actually considered  the lives of all the other beings in this world, worse off than me, and never considered the limitations that life itself as the essence of all beings on earth was being subjected to, and within this never considered how to make this world a place that supports all beings to live fully as equals as Life — I only considered what ‘I am experiencing’, and ‘how can I experience what I want’ 
Within this I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I defined ‘freedom’ only within the context of ‘what I want to experience’ which I designed as a desire for a projected, imagined experience of me flying around ‘free’ from the physical reality, which was based on my initial reactions of frustration with my difficulty with making money to do what I want to do with my life
Thus I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that within my entire experience of trying to / wanting to astral project from the starting point of believing that it is a way to ‘be free’ of the physical reality, I was not considering actual freedom at all — I was not considering that, freedom would be an existence where we are all here as Life as equals within and as the forms on the earth of humans, animals, and nature, all doing what is best for all Life as ourselves, wherein then we as LIFE itself would have the ability to create and play and expand and grow and discover ourselves as Life without the restrictions, rules, suffering, struggle that comes with a world system based on earning money to be able to live
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that the reason I had never considered freedom as a living reality in which we are all here equally as Life, was because I had grown up in a money system based on a value system that values the pursuit of personal experiences that one attains / gains access to through earning money — a system where life is not considered as value, a system where no one sees each other as an equal as life, but only sees each other as separate things ‘out there’, as part of the system ‘I am in’ in which I am here to ‘earn money’ to ‘make a life for myself’ / ‘do what I’d like to do’ – within complete acceptance of the money system simply because we were never educated as to how the system works in its entirety and thus never saw what we were dealing with as the system and had no idea how we might change it, and thus our considerations went only to the point of seeing the limitations and struggle we would experience if we didn’t get money, and so aligned our entire self definition with the pursuit of earning money so we can at least survive and be able to entertain ourselves and exist comfortably
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my starting point in believing that the reason I couldn’t astral project was because ‘I wasn’t spiritually ready yet’ and to not be self honest with myself that obviously there was something wrong with how spirituality presented itself when I, an ‘advanced spiritual being’ couldn’t even be self honest enough with myself to see my own self interest of wanting to escape this world / escape my life and leave it behind along with every being in this world, through ‘astral projection’ into an apparent experience of ‘freedom’, not even considering how to support all life on earth to firstly be free on earth, free from abuse, free from the fear for survival, free from the condition of being born into poverty, starvation, war, pain, harm — wherein, I did not even see that my idea of ‘spiritual advancement’ was defined by advancing into a more fun experience for myself – with no consideration of any practical solution to advance those trapped in poverty, starvation, war, abuse, out of their condition of suffering
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value in the idea of escaping the physical world into an experience of flying around exploring the universe, to the point where I became addicted to wanting to escape my life / escape this world, and to within this not even realize and see that I aligned my entire participation within the current money system on earth, within the starting point of using my money to get free time in which to try and leave my body / leave this world behind – within complete acceptance and allowance of the abuse that takes place daily in this world as a result of the accepted nature of the money system
I commit myself to stop obsessing over the idea of ‘flying around being free from gravity’, and to within this stop using my time to entertain myself with movies, games, dreams, imagination, astral projection as a way to keep myself busy until I die — in realizing that within such a starting point I am accepting and allowing the current money system of abuse to continue into which children are being born every day into an experience of limitation, struggle, suffering, pain that they have no hope of ‘escaping’
I commit myself to value the Life that is equal and one in all beings here on earth, and to stand up for myself as Life as all as one as equal and do whatever it takes to assist and support all beings to realize that we do not have to exist in a system of harm and abuse and separation, but that we can establish a system of equality and fun for all if we just work together in agreement to do what is best for all life and stop trying to escape what we have allowed within mind entertainment experiences of feelings and imagination
I commit myself to show how those participating in astral projection are only interested in their own experience of entertainment and fun, and are not working toward a world that is best for all but are rather hiding from what is being allowed in this world, and to expose such self interest and not accept and allow such self interest to continue as a starting point that is seen as acceptable — in realizing that such a starting point only results in the continued acceptance and allowance of an abusive world system within which those with money keep entertaining themselves until death, while those without money keep suffering and struggling till death
I commit myself to walk a process of investigating in writing all the ways I seek / attempt to escape my life / escape this world / escape the physical, and stopping myself participating in such pursuits through applying self forgiveness on each point of desire / fantasy, and each point where I fear standing here, being here, facing what is here in and as this world, and to stand here one and equal with all life and align myself in all ways with the consideration of what is best for all life and how to establish a physical world that is best for all life, and to work together with those already walking this process, in assisting and supporting ourselves and humanity to take responsibility to create a new system of equality to support all life effectively on earth in this physical reality so that we don’t have to sit around feeling ‘limited’ and trying to escape this world, but we can rather explore and expand and discover ourselves as Life as Equals

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