Day 253: How I Realized I am not Limited to What I Prefer Doing

Getting into sales and business was a particularly difficult point for me, because I was coming from a background where my primary self definitions were that of ‘being a nice person’, and ‘agreeing with people’, and ‘saying what makes people comfortable’, and ‘not making people react’.

These self definitions are that through which I generated energy for myself in the form of feelings and thoughts of a ‘positive’ charge.

I had formed these particular self definitions really as a way to suppress and hide from fearsfear of rejection of others, fear of being bullied, fear of being ridiculed — due to events from childhood in which I had taken many such acts personally and went into points of self judgment, inferiority, and ‘feeling bad about myself’.

These self definitions shaped my decisions and actions in my life, in a way where I always made decisions about what to do, based on what would protect and support my self definition of myself as a ‘nice / likable’ person and thus enable me to generate positive energy to experience – because of my fear of being faced with people reacting to me / not liking me / rejecting me / ridiculing me. This positive energy / feelings became a point of ‘happiness’ through I defined myself, defined my value and worth, defined my life.

Within this I was quite limited in my practical skills within the system, and never ever ever imagined getting into something like business and sales, because – in business and sales you are faced with of course — rejection and people saying no to you. My self definitions shaped my decisions to remain relatively isolated within my pursuits of mostly art projects as I worked a low wage job that never challenged me to develop any real practical career skills or interpersonal skills.

As I started walking my process though, and seeing these self definitions and deconstructing them through writing and self forgiveness, an interesting thing happened which was that I started seeing within myself these skills, these ‘natural abilities’ or ‘aptitudes’ you could call it, that I had not noticed within myself before. What sparked this emergence, or realization of aspects of myself that I had not seen, was a particular conversation I had with Bernard while I was living at the Desteni farm. I’ve spent a total of over 2 years on the farm between 2008 and 2012, and during that time I spoke frequently with Bernard. During my second visit to the farm, I was kind of in this place in my life where, I wasn’t sure what to do with my life, like – how to really place myself in the world / what skill I could develop to become financially stable in my life.

At that point I saw myself as primary an ‘artistic’ person – as defined by, doing only things like artwork and music. I had created some very popular songs that I uploaded to YouTube when I first started walking my process, and saw myself as kind of being ‘assigned’ to that role in the ‘big scheme of things’. I was interested in putting forth the message of Oneness and Equality and bringing about practical change in the world and living / becoming what is Best for All and supporting others to realize their potential to do the same, and saw Music really as the ‘one thing’ I was good at. The one thing that defined my potential.

But one night, Bernard suggested that I take some paper and look within myself and write down what I see are all the skills / things I am naturally good at, with the goal being to identify – where / how am I not fully living my actual potential?

This exercise was really fascinating because I started to see that I had many skills that I am naturally good at, that I had not considered as being an expression that I could develop myself within as a way to become more effective in my life, specifically in terms of a ‘career’. Previously I had believed that it’s only possible for me to make money doing something ‘artistic’, because that’s the only skill I had really developed at that stage in my life.

But as I started writing and looking at myself, I realized I have many skills such as: Speaking to people / using my voice, working with groups of people, teaching others, working with information / placing information effectively.

These skills I previously had not considered important to focus on, because I was living within the starting point of believing that, ‘I can / should only do what is fun / enjoyable to me’. But in identifying these skills I was faced with this point of Self Honesty where I realized, if I’m going to be really effective in my life and live to my fullest potential – I’m going to have to explore these skills I see I have and identify what is really Self Honestly the point I should be pursuing / developing in terms of ‘career’ – because otherwise I would be lying to myself – I would be denying my actual potential because of a point of want – ‘but I want to do this because it’s already what I like doing’.

And in fact over the next couple of years I struggled with this point, as I left the farm to go back to the states where I initially got involved in a sales business with some other people, which was immensely difficult at that time because I was facing extensive resistance and all these suppressed emotions and fears coming up. I was really facing the reality of change – which is that it is painful, and requires brutal Self Honesty to keep standing through the challenges because – all I wanted to do was find a way out, find some justification or excuse why I ‘didn’t have to do this’, and why it would be okay to go back to what was ‘easy’. And, eventually after about a year and a half, I met my partner with whom I am now in an Agreement, and the opportunity to visit the farm came up again, at which point I, within myself told myself I am ‘done’ with this whole ‘business thing’, and there must be ‘another way to make it in the system’ – and I was intent on finding this ‘other way’.

This last trip to the farm was quite interesting because I was intending to stay there for the foreseeable future, and was focusing on making music, which I believed was what I ‘should’ be doing with my life ‘right now’. But after 6 months, Bernard asked me a question. He asked me: Why are you doing the music? And I answered: Because I like it. In this answer I saw within myself that — although I ‘liked’ being in a position where I was ‘free’ to make music, doing what ‘I like’ — I really was not in a position where I am able to reach my full potential. So, by that point, I had gained some valuable experience with my initial attempt at business, that, although painful, had shown me that I do have the potential in me to become quite effective in that point, and when I realized that I was basically forestalling the inevitable by remaining on the farm doing music, I finally saw the point that — the only way I can REALLY get to do music the way I want / other art projects — is if I push myself to fulfill my potential to become effective with business in the system, because I saw — I have the natural skills to do this, and if I dedicate myself to it and walk the practical actions – I could do it and then – I would have the financial support I need to really live my passion for music.

Well, I spent 6 months on the farm that time, and ended up coming back to the states with my partner, where we were focused mostly on getting our basic living points in place, not really knowing what we were going to ‘do’ with our lives, but I had decided that in some way I’m going to get back into business and sales.

After about 5 months the opportunity was presented to us to get involved in the same sales business I had initially tested out, and the nature of the opportunity was that it came with quite a large amount of responsibility in terms of the work required to be done, and I had to make a decision whether I would take on this responsibility or not. If I could bring the business point to a success, I would assist millions of people to get an effective education. If I decided not to get involved – there would be very little I could do practically to make a difference, and I would remain financially limited. I found the decision came quite easily and really without any resistance because, I had come to terms with my Self Honesty – which was that to really be satisfied with my life, I’m going to have to take on something that I don’t necessarily ‘want to’ — because otherwise I’m just going to remain limited. To really have freedom to live as I want and pursue my passion for sharing my expression through music — I have to decide to EXPAND my passion beyond music – EXPAND my expression beyond only what ‘I prefer to do’ – EMBRACE the process of developing skills that I don’t already have, instead of judging anything that doesn’t give me instant gratification of ‘having fun’ as being ‘negative’ and ‘unpleasant’, and something I am a ‘victim’ of.

I mean, this is why we as humans haven’t ever gotten around to really changing this world. Because we always settle for what gives us the instant satisfaction of what ‘I like doing right now’, and never expand our vision to include Everyone and Everything and look at – within this big picture, what is Self Honestly the path that will give Me as All as Life and thus Me as the Individual the greatest Freedom?

Imagine, if we all set aside our ‘wants’ for a moment, and looked at – what are the points in this world that if changed / eliminated, would give us all an experience, a life that is far superior in freedom and enjoyment and opportunity than what we’ve accepted? For example – if we decided money should be Equal and support everyone and no one should have to struggle to live – if we worked together in the best interest of everyone – if we valued everyone instead of only our own immediate relationships – if we gave up our drinking and our drugs and all our millions of distractions and just STOPPED and decided to support each other — imagine the POWER we would have….imagine how much more FREE we would be — imagine the resources we would have at our disposal to develop our self expression and explore the world if we just Stood together as Equals and did what is Best for All – if we directed our physical actions with Principle instead of listening to just ‘what I feel like right now’. I mean, self interest is really so limited. There are billions of us here, all together in one place – this one world. Imagine what we could accomplish if we decided to stop accepting anything less than what is best for all.

After all, if I am not living my fullest potential in this life to bring about a world that is Best for All and end all abuse, using every skill and resource I have – then how can I say I am really living or expressing myself fully in anything?

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